It's always this time of year...

It's always this time of year that gets me depressed. I know you're probably thinking that that's odd because it's supposed to be a time of joy, especially when you get to go home and see the family and old friends. But for me, getting the blues is quite normal. I won't hit every detail tonight, but will share some thoughts.

As I reflect on the past year, I wonder where it went and what the hell did I accomplish? I wasn't a hero; I didn't find the love of my life. Rather, it felt like I was stagnant while all these wonderful things happened to great people around me. I am happy for their success, their newfound love, and growing families, but at the same time, I want to sit down and cry out to God because it hurts. I want success. I want to feel loved. I want a family of my own. Granted I need to be thankful and humble for what I do have. I have my health; I lost almost 40 pounds since April, but most importantly I have hope. But it still hurts. I don't know how else to explain it.

As always, tomorrow will be better. The new year will bring new beginnings and life will go on. Life always goes on. But tonight I will curl up with a blanket, hug a pillow, listen to my James Blunt songs, pray, cry, read a book perhaps, or maybe just wait for tomorrow to come. My mom used to say "tomorrow never comes." I rather think that tomorrow will arrive before we even know it and therefore we need to live each day as if it's our last.

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Tears and Rain
by James Blunt

How I wish I could surrender my soul;
Shed the clothes that become my skin;
See the liar that burns within my needing.
How I wish I'd chosen darkness from cold.
How I wish I had screamed out loud,
Instead I've found no meaning.

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

How I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind;
Hold memory close at hand,
Help me understand the years.
How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell.
How I wish I would save my soul.
I'm so cold from fear.

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
Far, far away; find comfort in pain.
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.