Transforming Perceptions

These past few years have brought a whirlwind of emotions between becoming employed, moving half-way across the country, and finally having the ability to focus on myself, my weight loss, and my faith. This blog is a reflection of all of these items and how they interact with each other.

Friday, December 30, 2005

It's always this time of year...

It's always this time of year that gets me depressed. I know you're probably thinking that that's odd because it's supposed to be a time of joy, especially when you get to go home and see the family and old friends. But for me, getting the blues is quite normal. I won't hit every detail tonight, but will share some thoughts.

As I reflect on the past year, I wonder where it went and what the hell did I accomplish? I wasn't a hero; I didn't find the love of my life. Rather, it felt like I was stagnant while all these wonderful things happened to great people around me. I am happy for their success, their newfound love, and growing families, but at the same time, I want to sit down and cry out to God because it hurts. I want success. I want to feel loved. I want a family of my own. Granted I need to be thankful and humble for what I do have. I have my health; I lost almost 40 pounds since April, but most importantly I have hope. But it still hurts. I don't know how else to explain it.

As always, tomorrow will be better. The new year will bring new beginnings and life will go on. Life always goes on. But tonight I will curl up with a blanket, hug a pillow, listen to my James Blunt songs, pray, cry, read a book perhaps, or maybe just wait for tomorrow to come. My mom used to say "tomorrow never comes." I rather think that tomorrow will arrive before we even know it and therefore we need to live each day as if it's our last.

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Tears and Rain
by James Blunt

How I wish I could surrender my soul;
Shed the clothes that become my skin;
See the liar that burns within my needing.
How I wish I'd chosen darkness from cold.
How I wish I had screamed out loud,
Instead I've found no meaning.

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

How I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind;
Hold memory close at hand,
Help me understand the years.
How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell.
How I wish I would save my soul.
I'm so cold from fear.


I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
Far, far away; find comfort in pain.
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

You're Beautiful

You're Beautiful
by James Blunt

My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.


Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Fucking high,
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with
you.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.


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There's a guy. There's always a guy. This one seems different. He doesn't even know how I feel, or if he does, he doesn't care that way back. I met him last year, and I recently ran into him again, which brought back all those thoughts and yearnings. I feel like there's a spark, but nothing is going to happen because I'm a wimp and he will never know. I hope God blesses him with everything he needs because this guy is amazing - very down to earth and generous to the world, and I hope God blesses him with all the happiness he deserves.

Friday, December 02, 2005

Sportscasters drive me nuts

Yup. They do. Let's get one thing straight. Larry Brown, the old Detroit Pistons coach, was fired...Pat Riley, when he was with the New York Knicks, left. HUGE difference, and it's why us Knick fans do not appreciate Pat Riley. He gave up on his team, and he left his fans yearning for a championship. AND he failed Patrick Ewing, a man who deserves a championship. Larry Brown has been given a lot of crap from Detroit. I thought I could have become a Pistons fan, but after listening to the announcers during the game tonight, no way...uh-huh. Detroit doesn't stick with something long enough to see if it will work out. A championship team isn't thrown together overnight, and if it is, it's more luck than anything else. I mean look how long I have been a Patriots fan, when did they start winning championships....ahhh...yeah...that's right....a little while after they got rid of Parcells. Detroit flies through coaches...Pistons...Lions...Tigers...etc. Yes, the Knicks recently went through a bunch of coaches, but I told them all along they were not going to work. When I read articles on their new coaches/candidates (eg, Don Nelson), I told them, anybody but him. Lo and behold, it doesn't work out. My only concern about Larry Brown as the Knicks coach is how long is he going to stick around? He talked about Detroit being the last team he coached, now it's supposed to be the Knicks? Larry Brown, please stick around for awhile, I think you'll do the Knicks good!