Building Relationships

After this weekend's service at Riverview Church, I could not help but think about everything that has been going on in my life. I had just gotten back from vacation, where I thought I was going home, but it was not home anymore. I got back to Michigan, and yet it did not feel like home here either. So what and where is home? Some say that home is where the heart is. Well, I just got back from where I thought my heart was, and it definitely was not home. So I dived a little bit deeper into thought and prayer, and after Steve's sermon, this is now what I'm thinking...

I have lived in Michigan for nearly a year and a half, and granted I have some true friends here, but I would still feel comfortable picking up and leaving because I do not feel emotionally attached to Michigan. I came to Michigan with this perception, that I did NOT want to be tied down in Michigan because I was NOT going to spend FOREVER in Michigan - why would I? This mentality has hindered many potential close relationships because if I became close to anybody, it would then be harder to leave, and that is the last thing I want because after all, I am NOT supposed to be in Michigan for the rest of my life.

It's not about me. It's about Him, and His plans and lessons for me. I still think Michigan is a temporary dwelling for me, but that's because I don't want to settle here, I don't want to make this place feel permanent. But it's about what God wants, and apparently he wants me to stay awhile.

I questioned God so much when I was offered my job out here, and he repeatedly had to show me that I needed to follow Him. I was uncomfortable with that decision, but knew it was the right one. I was giving up a wonderful church that I finally became comfortable in. I was moving far, far, far away from my family and best friends. I knew nothing and pretty much nobody upon moving to Michigan. But on my drive to Michigan, I kept thinking about it will be a fresh start. So why am I so scared to let people in and to see me? I know I hate being judged and feel that God is the only one who can and shall judge, but I feel...like a fish out of water (and as a Pisces, you know I need that water for survival). I feel like it's this huge domino effect. If I let somebody get to know me, they will either judge me or not. So some will become friends, and therefore it will make my future leaving harder to do. But notice how all this confusion is coming from not living in the moment, but living for something in the future that may or may not happen? The irony!